…that so many people think I am a strong person.

 

Nothing could be further from the truth.

 

I am so weak and insecure that I actually didn’t get on birth control for fear of the side effects: gaining weight and a loss of libido.  I find these side-effects rather ironic in the light of what birth control is supposed to do.  Think about it.  Anywho…

 

I am not an independent woman.  In this age of women who do for and support themselves I am an oddity.  I need a man to protect and take care of me.  I don’t know how to balance a check/chequebook.  I have no desire to know how.  I know that I am extreme, but I think feminism went way too far (but, that’s another issue entirely, and one I have no wish to get into now…however, I had to say it).  I am indeed extremely blessed to have been found by such a loving and wonderful man as Jamie, because I am the type who would tend to stay in a miserably unsatisfactory relationship just to keep a roof over my head and food on my plate. 

 

Now, granted, I did (eventually) leave my emotionally abusive and neglectful first husband.  But, I had my mother to go to at the time.  After the accident that took her sight – and her benefits were made subject to her having no dependants living in her house – I quickly saw how poorly equipped I was to take care of myself.  I failed miserably, and if it wasn’t for my friend Dana (a man, by the way), I could have easily ended up on the street.  But, he stepped in and offered me rescue and kept me safe until Jamie found and rescued me further.

 

My insecurities run deep.  My anxieties are many.  My struggles have not made me a stronger person.  If anything, they have beaten me down and weakened me further.  The truth is I am unable to function and take care of myself.  And, almost every decision I make are coloured by those insecurities and fears.  And, those things often cause me to make the wrong decision – as in regards to the birth control.

 

I protect my sex drive with fierceness because I know I need it.  It’s a security in the midst of insecurity.  It is a strength in the midst of my weakness that I can use.  I worry about my looks for the same reason.  Because they have served me.  But protecting my precious sex-drive has had a price. It has meant living with depression when I could have taken drugs for it.  It means getting pregnant when it would have been better for my body and my family to wait a couple of years before getting pregnant again because I was frightened what the effect of birth control would do to both my looks and my sex drive.

 

I have been through – and survived – a lot.  Yes.  This is true.  But, just to make it perfectly clear, once and for all, it has not made me a strong person; to survive isn’t to live.  I don’t think I deserve a medal for surviving.  Perhaps, had the things I’ve survived actually made me a stronger – or better – person, then I’d accept such praise.  But, as – hopefully – all can finally see in my brutal honesty – it is severely misplaced praise.  Neither praise me for my honesty. Just see me, and accept me, for who I am, as I do.

 

 

- Autumn Dawn, The Original Since 1974