I would address my readers here, but my last three blog posts have had no feedback whatsover, so I think I may actually be blogging to myself. Well, I suppose that’s ok. The writing itself is cathartic. If I talk to myself, why not blog to myself, as well? Indeed, I think I will just have a little conversation with myself now.
Discouraged again with the lack of interest in my music, the general lack of people taking me seriously, I am re-evaluating everything in my life. All along in my life, I have wanted success in music, and at various times I have attempted to get myself out there and known. But, as I’ve mentioned so many times before, I really don’t have the proper connections that I need. And, everytime I try, if there are any successes at all, they are so small – and so few and far between – that, perhaps, this is something I need to surrender.
What good am I? What value do I have?
There are far more things I cannot do than what I can.
But, I realise, I have the opportunity to be a blessing to my family. I have an opportunity to encourage and be an uplift – as opposed to an annoying burden – to my husband and children.
I may not have much opportunity to touch people with my voice and music, but I should not take lightly or take for granted the opportunity that I do have.
God, help me.
(and, that wasn’t just a flip and pointless remark – that was an honest prayer)
OK, due to my mental and physical condition, I cannot handle the mental, physical and emotional pressure of an everyday day job so that I can contribute financially to this family. Thankfully, no one is pressuring me to attempt to try doing that again – if that were the case, I think it would be the final straw on my way to a true nervous breakdown. However, I do have the opportunity to be a housewife (NOT a bad thing, at all) and a stay-at-home mum.
Some might say, “Well, I thought that’s all you already were”. Well, I would take exception to the word “all”, since I think I have proven time and again that it isn’t “all” I am. But, I also take offense at the attitude that being a housewife and stay-at-home mum is an unimportant thing. But, that isn’t my argument here…and, if no one but me is reading this, it’s not an argument I would have with myself anyway: I’m not a feminist by any stretch of the imagination. My point is that, while I have these things in title, I haven’t been proactive in them. Indeed, I’ve been rather passive, just letting things move around me, while I wait for the big break – waiting for my music to be [seriously] discovered on a wide scale and/or waiting for my visual artwork to take off. I’ve realised today, I could be waiting until the proverbial cows come home (and, you know, I have a suspicion those bovine are so far gone they aren’t ever coming home). In the meantime, I’ve been given this gift: I am allowed to stay at home and speak into my children’s lives. I am allowed to support my husband to the best of my ability (and even better than my ability through the help of God’s Spirit). I’ve been given time to pray for others. They may never hear my music, but I can sure interceed for them that they will come to have a decent taste in music and discover me. Just kidding there! Well, I am kidding about the latter part of that statement; the first part is so: because I am at home and not at either a 9-5 OR travelling all over the place giving concerts, I have time to pray for people.
I wrote a message to someone yesterday, explaining how I am comfortable upon a stage, but not in a one on one conversation with someone/anyone (with the exception of a few special people), and that my ability to reach people with any message of love, hope, salvation, etc. is through my music, because I’m just not brilliant at “talking”. But, a song, that I can deliver. I wrote this message to them, offering my “services” in regards to an outreach ministry – because I felt this is the one way I can give. I am now second guessing myself as to whether I should have sent that message. The fact is… no one wants me in that regard.
But, the thing is, as I sit here with the tears running down my face – the tears which refuse to be pushed back, I don’t want to be depressed about this. I don’t want to be, but I am. But, I don’t WANT to be; I want to just be content where I am and get on with it, being active and making the most of where I am, blessing who I do have the opportunity to bless! The reason I’m depressed though is because I am a crap mum and my only real benefit as a wife is that I absolutely love sex. I’m horrible housekeeper. I’m disorganized and entirely rubbish at keeping a place neat and tidy. I can’t cook. I’m afraid of the oven. All I have to do is this, but I’m crap at it. I’m much more of a burden than a blessing in the ONLY area I have to be a blessing.
So, all I can do is ask God to help me. Without Him, I would simply despair – but, with Him, there is hope. I’m going to hold onto the verse of scripture I read yesterday in The Message Bible, Psalm 40:17, and pray it with all my heart, just as David prayed it to God, because I desperately need sorting out, the sooner the better:
And me? I’m a mess. I’m nothing and have nothing: make something of me. You can do it; you’ve got what it takes – but God, don’t put it off.
AMEN!
5 Comments
Autumn.
I love you so dearly. You see this blog as expressing something that depresses you. I see this blog as evidence that you are maturing as a woman. Your desire to be the best mum/wife/God’s-daughter you can be will see you through. You will learn the wife/mum stuff, by the Holy Spirit of God, because your heart seeks it. As my Pastor says, The answer to every “how?” question is: The Holy Spirit. As far as your giftings & talents, you will use them every day in raising your children, and God will use them in His Kingdom when the time is right. Perhaps He has different priorities for you right now (His ways are not our ways?). Possibly … the new facets of motherhood and wifelihood (?) you will experience will add a richness to your music & art that will make it even more wondermus. I LOVE YOU!
*hugs autumn* I disagree with your statement that you’re a “crap mum”. And the lack of benefits as a wife? Please. First of all, you could be OCD about cleaning and the worlds best chef and that still would not make you a good mother. Or a good wife.
What makes a good mother/wife is how you feel and support your family. Does your husband know you love and support him? Do your kids know that you love them?
Yes?
Sounds like a good mum to me!
I agree with Jessica.
One of the best way to get feedback is to give it, imo.
It’s also really easy advertising and not a lot of work if you’re reading something you enjoy (or critiquing a picture you found fascinating, etc).
And yah. Go with Jess on this one.
I think you have the right idea. You want to be happy. That’s an important first step. Keep that attitude, do a little work on it, and you’ll be happy. Keep the positivity flowing and listen to what your friends have to say about you (and believe what they’re saying). You’ll be fine, imo.
Thank you, Everyone. I didn’t respond immediately because this was such an emotional write for me, and I needed time away from it, ya know. But, I do thank you.